What happens when you get a history/Classics major together with a Russian/English major, when both of them watch a lot of YouTube videos? THIS.
Narrator: Meet Queen Dido of Carthage, from Virgil’s Aeneid. She is about to take her own life. This fate could have been avoided IF she had a Sassy Gay Friend.
SGF: What are you doing? What. What. WHAT are you doing?
<insert musical intro>
Dido: I burn for him! Desire for him gives me no rest!
SGF: So we light ourselves on fire? On FIRE? And what are we STANDING on?
Dido: I have placed him in effigy upon a pyre of his possessions, and we shall burn together!
SGF: This is AENEAS we’re talking about. His baby mama just kicked it on the road from Troy, and he didn’t even NOTICE. Does that sound like long-term relationship potential to YOU?
Dido: He did try to leave without saying goodbye…
SGF: Dido, his mom made you fall in love with him. So instead of lighting yourself up like one of those cheap Persian torches, you’re going to have a nice chat with your sister and MOVE ON. And P.S., those are the most fabulous pumps I’ve ever seen you in.
SGF: Yes! Oh my God, I can’t believe you were going to burn them up! You’re so crazy, Dido. You’re a stupid bitch. Come on, let’s get outta here – I hear there are some hottie philosophers getting smashed over at the public baths.
<aside> She’s a stupid bitch.
Courtesy of Birgitta Hendron and Emma Glaser. You’re very welcome.